CREATE

June 8th, 2021 | San Francisco, CA

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Again at Reveille…

Fully vaccinated and all that. Migraines have been debilitating of late. But more or less, if everything keeps going like it has, I think it’s been OK. Good, even.

An influx of cash allowed me to do things I wouldn’t have otherwise. Though, my worldview( and the view of the people in it) deteriorates. The nihilism is concerning. But more concerning is my inability to focus.

To hunker down and create.

I hope this trip helps…

Nothing else really seems to.

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EXTRAS

May 30th, 2021  San Francisco, CA

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As I wait for a train, I can’t stop thinking this idea for my new book. I’m calling it “Are You Fine With The Pieces?”

I think I’m going to make it an anthology of stories about love and human connection.

I want it to be as raw and as open as “Blank”.

Now that I’m thinking about it more, I want it to be a collection of real stories.

Mine mostly.

But I can slide in some… extras.

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THE KEY

April 28th, 2021 | San Francisco, CA

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I am decidedly better today.

I guess days are just a collection of moments. I’ve been miserable because I’ve been spending all my moments inside that spacious coffin I call a home…. Went to Reveille again today. Granted, for very vain and self-serving reasons, but it felt good. And what can I say, It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like that. 

Not all vain and wasted time, however.

Sam reached out today to give me assurances and assuage certain fears. I didn’t have many, but it helped. 

The hollow remains, but not to such an oppressive degree anymore. I’m aware that I’m the only one responsible for the quality of my thoughts. Sometimes, it’s just easier said than done. Needless to say, I am making an effort to push forward. And each effort makes the next effort easier.

I think that’s the key.

Either way, another day down.

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IN LOVE

April 24th, 2021 | San Francisco, Ca

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Alright… So it’s not quite the daily affair I’d hoped it would be… but I’m glad I haven’t unloaded on the pages everyday.

I missed this. The calm.

Of impending… somethings. Before the storm, so they say. 

I’ve been thinking about her again.

But this time it’s a bit different. My thoughts are no longer these suppressed things.

They’re raw. Unfiltered. Angry. Bitter, even.

And yet, they feel like the thoughts of another man. One still hurt and reeling. One with too much time for thinking. 

I am slowly working through these thoughts- these feelings. I know they’re slipping away. Becoming a dull ache, more thoughts than feelings.

Still a bit at odds with myself. What does that mean? No clue. But I just know. It’s like a giant hole in that gut feeling.

Taking some well earned down-time. I’m thinking about nothing right now. 

And I’m in love with only this moment. 

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A FIGHTER

April 9th, 2021 | San Francisco, CA

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What do you do?

When you suspect that you are… slipping? That you are no longer the “you” you were before. What do you do?

When your light shines a little less bright? When your heart is a little more… dead?

I don’t know the cause for this, but I will fight it.

Despair has been my adversary for a long time.

An adversary always seeking to be a longtime friend. I must deny. I must fight. I cannot let myself be pulled down, not again. 

I know your touch all too well, intimately, like a lover’s. I know your whispers, hear them, all too clearly.

I am fine. My mother once told that I’ve been one since I was born… A fighter. 

I’ve always been a fighter. 

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