SINCE THE START OF THE PANDEMIC, I BEGAN
JOURNALING
MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS.
BLINDING REVELATIONS
September 15th, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
I am here again. Here, being as much a state of mind, as it is a place. Similar thoughts invade. They squirm. Like worms made of ideas. Sharp, synaptic pulses, each begging for a morsel of my attention. Hundred. Millions. Billions of them. Squirming inside my head.
I am approaching a sort of addiction. I find myself needing the quiet, rather than simply wanting it. A sort of “fog” falls over my mind. But from within the fog, there are moments of such brilliant clarity that I often weep at their blinding revelations.
I need them. To quiet the noise. There is so much noise. The cacophony is sometimes so loud I ache with the pain of it. My ears bleed. My soul screams.
I fear I am a captive in the panopticon of my own mind. Trapped as both the subject and the observer.
What do I do?
THE END OF THE WORLD
August 31st, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
I dreamed about the end of the world. But the world isn’t ending. Maybe a world is ending, and I find myself wondering which. I continue to struggle with the daily affairs of my chosen profession. Though, I do find myself rejoicing(and being frustrated) by the human element.
Writing for things I do not care about continues to be impossible. I would like to finish one thing before moving on to another. Finishing the book is proving to be a taller task than I first imagined. But I am enjoying the process. And the support of one is all I need to keep going. So, I keep going.
I am worried for myself, but I cannot go through life worrying about everything.
Some things will just have to wait their turn. I’ll get to them soon enough.
August 24th, 2024 | San Mateo, CA
And I did get to them. See? -Future Gaël
A MAN WHOSE HONESTY REACHES THIS POINT
August 31st, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
My notes on conformity from my readings by Ralph Waldo Emmerson:
“All goes well as long as you run with the conformists. But you, who are an honest man in other particulars, know that there is alive somewhere a man whose honesty reaches to this point also, that he shall not kneel to false gods, and, on the day when you meet him, you sink into the class of counterfeits.”
“It is only as a man puts off all foreign support, and stands alone, that I see him to be strong and to prevail. He is weaker by every recruit to his banner.”
“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction… that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.”
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson
SURFACE RIPPLES
August 29th, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
A semblance of normalcy returns. These last few weeks have been particularly grueling. But, with some support, I’ve managed to make it through. I do sense a larger detachment in myself towards things I’ve started classifying as “surface ripples”.
These ongoings- events that, though wide spanning, are only the most shallow, the most base, in terms of immediate perception. Or at least, how I perceive them.
I am… Unsure what is holding me back. I now have what I need. What more is there?
I should start.
I still feel so incredibly burdened. And I guess, in many ways, I still am. That hasn’t changed.
I am too apathetic towards these things. These surface ripples.
I have more than just myself to think about now though. Be better.
For her.
I AM FREE
August 21st, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
I’ve begun reading The Fall by Albert Camus.
He is clever. I like clever. I never actually realized how much humor plays a part in being clever.
You have to laugh at insurmountable circumstances sometimes.
And that’s what he does. He laughs. In such a oh-so-clever way. I like clever people because they are often sad. I think I will enjoy reading his work.
My chosen and I are fighting a great deal again…
A part of me turns toward logic, deducing that such consistently negative patterns spell doom. Another part of me sees this as a challenge. A challenge involving another can either be turned down or it can be accepted.
Let’s see whether or not she accepts as well. I know I can also be a challenge.
I sigh often. A sort of… weariness, has fallen over me. I fear I have aged beyond my years far too quickly. I feel the odd man out now. My proclivity to turn towards the deep, the existential, is far higher than that of my friends, family, and colleagues.
I am alone. In that which I value most. I am alone.
Something tells me that is how it should be. That is what lends solitude its depth.
It is difficult.
I must reckon with the demons. I hear them, pounding at the door. Do I cower? Do I flee? Or… do I open? Will I be devoured? Or will there be discourse? Will I bargain for my sanity, my freedom? Will they even let me have it?
I am, more and more, blinking awake. Slowly. And I see a bit clearer, everyday.
I am light. I am warmth. I am all the things humans crave. In my mind.
I am free.
THE RIGHT THING
May 27th, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
What kind of person do I actually want?
Who am I?
I am deeply flawed. I am such an overthinker. I am anxious. That I am, maybe, chasing the wrong thing…
What do I think is the right thing?