I AM FREE
August 21st, 2023 | San Francisco, CA
I’ve begun reading The Fall by Albert Camus.
He is clever. I like clever. I never actually realized how much humor plays a part in being clever.
You have to laugh at insurmountable circumstances sometimes.
And that’s what he does. He laughs. In such a oh-so-clever way. I like clever people because they are often sad. I think I will enjoy reading his work.
My chosen and I are fighting a great deal again…
A part of me turns toward logic, deducing that such consistently negative patterns spell doom. Another part of me sees this as a challenge. A challenge involving another can either be turned down or it can be accepted.
Let’s see whether or not she accepts as well. I know I can also be a challenge.
I sigh often. A sort of… weariness, has fallen over me. I fear I have aged beyond my years far too quickly. I feel the odd man out now. My proclivity to turn towards the deep, the existential, is far higher than that of my friends, family, and colleagues.
I am alone. In that which I value most. I am alone.
Something tells me that is how it should be. That is what lends solitude its depth.
It is difficult.
I must reckon with the demons. I hear them, pounding at the door. Do I cower? Do I flee? Or… do I open? Will I be devoured? Or will there be discourse? Will I bargain for my sanity, my freedom? Will they even let me have it?
I am, more and more, blinking awake. Slowly. And I see a bit clearer, everyday.
I am light. I am warmth. I am all the things humans crave. In my mind.
I am free.
