SINCE THE START OF THE PANDEMIC, I BEGAN
JOURNALING
MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS.
PAIN
Wednesday, August 25th, 2021 | San Francisco, CA
Wednesday, August 25th, 2021 | San Francisco, CA
Another break. I think I can safely predict their triggers now. I almost prefer them to my natural, apathetic state. The numbness is far worse, much more draining, I think…
Seems strange to me how the catalyst to my feelings can be gone and in the past, but their emotions remain.
How can the damage done to me be this profound? My breaks are a part of me now. Yet, I remember better. I remember happiness. This is temporary. I will be okay. I will get better…
But a part of me feels deserving- of all this pain, all this sorrow. Like it’s my just penance for all my past wrongdoings. They do come less frequently. But there is now a certain primal nature to them. Almost as if something more is itching to get out. Piece by breaking piece.
It wants out.
And I cannot let it out. Can I?
No. What I need to do is tap into it. Use it. Make it mine.
After all, there is pain that uses you, and there’s pain that you use.