SURFACE RIPPLES

August 29th, 2023 | San Francisco, CA

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A semblance of normalcy returns. These last few weeks have been particularly grueling. But, with some support, I’ve managed to make it through. I do sense a larger detachment in myself towards things I’ve started classifying as “surface ripples”.

These ongoings- events that, though wide spanning, are only the most shallow, the most base, in terms of immediate perception. Or at least, how I perceive them. 

I am… Unsure what is holding me back. I now have what I need. What more is there? 

I should start.

I still feel so incredibly burdened. And I guess, in many ways, I still am. That hasn’t changed.

I am too apathetic towards these things. These surface ripples. 

I have more than just myself to think about now though. Be better. 

For her.

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I WANT TO LIVE

May 5th, 2023 |  San Francisco, CA

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I am delving into multiple sources of wisdom. Acknowledging there are many, many more who know far more than I.

In doing so, I’ve found myself lost. Adrift in an ocean of all I do not know. While this presents a fascinating new challenge and adventure… It is a little frightening. 

Seems my life hasn’t really had a trajectory since… I’ve lost track, really. Did it ever have one? I laugh now. Thinking that even the AAU game design degree I pursued was just an excuse. No wonder I didn’t stick with it. It was me running away. From my problems, from the disappointed looks of my parents asking themselves what, or why their son wasn’t amounting to anything. I think I’ve never cared about anything, and have a natural aversion to things people say/tell me I should care about.

Hence, the aimlessness.

But now, I am(almost) fully conscious. I feel an intense need. A pull- towards what? I do not know.

But it’s there. At the edges of my mind, whispering. I can almost hear it. I just need quiet, so I can listen to what my heart is telling me. 

Because I think the reason I can’t hear is, I'm using my ears. And something tells me I am using the wrong tool for the job. Will delve deeper into this, maybe my vision quest in Italy will yield answers. Being more present and mindful(and drugs) have given me perspective. 

I hope this isn’t my natural proclivity towards escapism rearing its ugly head again, disguised as faux enlightenment.

I’m regulating my emotions as best as I can, but they often come up unexpectedly and quite suddenly. I welcome this, but it has made it hard to be around others. I don’t need an unexpected breakdown during a group lunch. 

But overall, once I’ve shaken some chains, I’ll be alright, I hope… No, I will.

Done creating problems for myself. Life is for living. 

I want to live. And I understand the immense responsibility that comes with this choice. Not just to myself, but to those around me. I am still learning. I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking through my life. Me, never the driver, rather the backseat observer, watching as things happen to me. 

No more.

Today, we make things happen for ourselves. 

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