HABITUDE
July 30th, 2023 | Firenze, Italy
I am in Firenze. And I find myself thinking of a word. Habitude.
I have not thought about this word before. There is nothing special about the word itself. Habitude.
I learned that it is so much easier to give in to feelings of despair. To let oneself be taken over by these feelings: anger, fear, jealousy.
From these stem so many others: anxiety, frustration, envy, and desolation.
How does one deal with so much bad, alone?
I am feeling many negative emotions. And again there is the word. Habitude.
I’ve seen, in my feelings, a tendency to give in, or at least, a proclivity to imagine myself acting out these bad feelings for a sense of catharsis. But, upon closer inspection, I notice it is not catharsis I seek.
It is transference.
And I’m writing about this phenomenon because even though I am also resisting the base impulse of giving in to my more negative tendencies, I do not exorcise my demons with the restraint. They are still there. Crowding my mind. Stifling my heart. They strain every smile. Weigh every word with the opposite emotion.
I am weary.
What I seek is true catharsis. Not transference, but release.
I wish to leave behind this habitude, of feeling negative things, which all of us do, and wanting to act out in anger, or frustration, or envy, or despair.
I wish to exorcise my demons.
But maybe all I can do is trap them.
Here in these pages.
