CROSSROADS
January 1st, 2023 | Fredericksburg, VA
Another year greets us. This one, I welcomed with my family. This entry will be longer than the others.
I find myself underneath the weight of unshakable anxiety and fear. The problems causing this are my own. Brought about by my carelessness and my indulgence. Happy but for a moment. I feel this is my life now. Faking it till I make it. And to some extent, I do not mind it.
I want for very little. Overall, my debt isn’t very large, but it threatens to engulf me if I am not careful.
But more than that, I question myself. I cannot bring myself to sit still and see a thing through to completion. Maybe it is doubt. Maybe my most recent failures borne of complacency have laid me low. Maybe I am at a crossroads. Either way, I am… worried.
“Sick and tired of being sick and tired,”
is a phrase that comes to mind. I feel very little that is hopeful. I’ve bought myself time. Which seems to be only thing I am good at these days.
Buying myself time.
My mind feels like its own worst enemy. Constantly cannibalizing itself. And it isn’t just about will anymore. Now it’s physical. The stress and anxiety I am feeling bring about migraines. Actively preventing me from doing the thing I want to do. I find myself yearning to be away.
To be home.
This doesn’t feel like home. Maybe because it isn’t. Hasn’t been for awhile. There is… another yearning. One I think I should avoid, but my current state of mind makes that… difficult.
I am, or at least I feel, dreadfully alone. Though I am surrounded by friends and family, I often find myself asking if these people truly love me. Because they do not know me, and make little effort to.
How can such people really profess to love you?
But I am afraid I must digress, for I think myself ill equipped to fully understand, much less put into words the complexity of human emotion and interactions. More so, the members of my family.
So where does that leave me? On this first day of a new year? I am given six months, maybe less, to make decisions. Both in terms of what/who I want, and what I want to do and who I want to do it with. I do not have any big resolutions or revelations. Just themes.
The themes of this new year are hardwork and sacrifice. Everything I’ve started, I must finish. This year, we come full circle and we see whether we deserve that which we’ve been craving for so long.
Cheers.
