FRIENDSHIP IS STORYTELLING

Yesterday, I attended a birthday party. Hung out with strangers, friends, but mostly friends of friends. Not close, but familiar. And because I’ve never been great at follow-up, I’ve never been great at making friends. 

It’s ironic, really. Here I was, in a room full of people, friends, friends of friends. But I couldn’t make any new friends? Even though there was familiarity there. A brief, but shared history. We’d seen each other at events. On vacations. At weddings. Out and about. At birthday parties. 

I hear the talking heads saying there’s a friendship epidemic.

A “crisis” with men. 

I offer an insight. The answer is in the question. The friendship epidemic is the crisis with men. It’s a crisis for a lot of us. Or at least, it’s a big part of it. I didn’t make any new friends yesterday, but I became more familiar with those around me. And something started up in my mind.

I’ve been making an effort to be more social. Spend less time in my man-cave, loathe as I can sometimes be, to give up the quiet, and be out in the world. 

I’ve found it’s important, if not critical, to a well-rounded life and person. Being out in the world. It informs you through experience, and- if you’re willing to put yourself out there, it can reward you in such extraordinary ways. Sometimes… so much so, that one could even attribute it to… luck. 

But that’s not it. You’re not lucky. You’re out in the world. Making friends. Telling stories about yourself. Stories that make people laugh, cry, wince, and run the fuck away from you as fast(or real slow, if you’re one of those), as humanly possible.  

And if you’re not an asshole, (hell, sometimes specifically if you are), out there- in the world, you’ll find your people. You just have to go out and try as many things as you’d like. Risk as much as you can. Get annihilated a few times. 

And rise again. 

And it’s easier to rise when there are many outstretched hands, waiting and able to lift you. A friend is someone who lifts. Not someone who lets you sink, or wallow, or secretly seeks to supplant you. No, a friend inspires. 

And to make a friend, tell a story. 

I was at a table and a woman asked me what I was eating, mid-bite. Noticing this, she grew embarrassed, apologizing and urging me to finish eating before I answered. But she was curious and she was kind. So, I told her a story. It made her laugh. Then, during those dreaded lapses in conversation, the moment had passed. There was a silence; it was loud, both the silence and the music, and I didn't feel like shouting to be heard, even after the pleasant interaction. 

So the moment hung, then finally collapsed. And realized that it was the lack of follow-up, the absence of further dialogue, of story, that did us in. 

Awkwardly, we parted ways, and wouldn’t interact again for the next two hours of the event. Men aren’t good at following up. It’s the achilles heel of our ability to make friends. And this is a shame, because men are amazing storytellers. We’re not great listeners, though. 

Women, at least the ones who are more empathetic, are terrific listeners, but not always great at storytelling, in my opinion. And, because I found myself in a room full of women I wasn’t close to, only familiar with, I became… uneasy, (remember I suck at follow-ups). There are those who believe men and women cannot form deep, intimate lasting friendships. 

I think romanticism is to blame for this. 

Though it makes me curious. Makes me wonder why. Ultimately, it is a question of attraction and intimacy, and how I believe we(men) confuse those two things with sexuality and seduction. 

As a man, I’ve experienced attraction and intimacy to a much lesser degree, overall. And when I do experience them, especially when I was younger, it was almost exclusively from and towards women. But it would be false to say that all the people who attract me are women, nor are they the only people I‘ve shared intimate moments with. I once sat on a threshold and cried my eyes out over a woman while a male friend consoled me. That is intimate. I’ve stayed up all night with my brothers, talking, singing, and playing. That is intimate.

 And it is usually people who attract me and that I’m attracted to that fall into my confidence, and earn my intimacy. But, and I’m not really sure how we got here, I feel there is an element of hesitation at play in how I, as I can only speak for myself, behave around other women that I find attractive or have intimate moments with. Especially when I am coupled, and my partner is near.

It just so happens that to anyone other than the person I’m sharing the story with, the intimacy and attraction can be, by an outside party(namely my partner), be perceived as seduction or emotional investment. This can create perception-based conflicts(at least, in my mind) due to anxious or insecure personality types. 

There is a constant push and pull there.  

I noticed that in most interactions, the onus would be on me to keep the conversation going in a setting like this, a party, or a social gathering where I was the odd man out…. The outsider. Seldom do my conversation partners offer more when the loud silence creeps in. They don’t share more stories with me, and I don’t ask. So we part ways, knowing no more than we did before, albeit a bit more familiar.

Friends are just people with whom we’ve shared the most stories. It's likely that we often pop up in their stories, as they do in ours. Through the exchange of stories we get to know, not just ourselves, through different, sometimes more objective lenses, but we also get to know others. And offer them that same kindness- a kindness usually reserved for a friend. 

Perspective. 

Sometimes we offer it kindly. Sometimes it’s gotta be a bit tough to hear. But always, a friend is someone who lifts. In your life, those who lift you, are your friends. And this can be indirect. This can be as simple as reading a story. That they wrote, and have it inspire you.

Because friendship is storytelling.